


Anchor

by madcowmama



Category: Lost Girl
Genre: F/F, bo after nadia's death, bo/lauren - Freeform, doccubus, lost girl fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-14
Updated: 2015-11-14
Packaged: 2018-05-01 13:28:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 640
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5207549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madcowmama/pseuds/madcowmama
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bo, after Nadia's death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Anchor

Waking from violent dreams, nightmares, of hurting those I love, I wrestle myself to consciousness and shake myself, shake it off.

But its residue remains.

Pain streaks through me. I’m wracked with accurate flak, and all I want to do is shoot it, shoot it down. But I rake my own tail instead.

Plunging, out of control, I’m sure to crash. But look, Lauren. There you are. I will do anything to keep you from harm—at least in my waking life—even to the point of leaving you alone. If that’s what it takes.

Is it even possible? How can you forgive me? How can I forgive myself? And yet it was easy, that one day, to forgive you. I never wanted to harm you. The fact that I cause you pain simply by being with you kills me. One day. One day, maybe, you’ll understand how I was drawn to you, drew sustenance and comfort from you, and how I attempted to give it back. I never meant to drain you.

I am drawn to you yet.

But you know, you caused me pain, too. Pulling away from me, going to her. Lying to me. It cut me to ribbons. Maybe that’s why it was so easy to end that thing that stole her body. I’ll never be sorry enough for that. We both know it was the only option; she was gone, long gone, but I’m still sorry—and not sorry.

I just wish, and it occupies me daily still—though it’s less intense now some days—I just wish you knew my insides. Yes, I have hurt people, yes, simply to survive I have killed, but it doesn’t mean I don’t feel that. I feel that every day. And yet I continue to survive. I am driven to survive. Sometimes I am driven by my nature and sometimes by what I have become. I am not a monster. I am a flawed being who cares for you.

I am a flawed being who has done monstrous things. I will do more monstrous things in the future. But I strive to use my strengths responsibly.

I need your support.

Some of what you’ve said to me has shredded me. But you seem not to have the first inkling that this is so. I thought I was healed, that one day, but I guess it all goes in cycles. In any case, I want the best for you. It would help me, it would make a big difference, if you’d be, if not by my side, then on my side.

But I understand your needing distance. You are so very different from me.

I want you to know that difference is part of why you’re so important. It’s not just that you’re brilliant, or that you can help me when I’m hurt—because you know I am, and you know I will be. It’s not just that you’re beautiful. It’s not just that I’ve loved you. Something about you is elemental now to what I’ve become.

You balance me.

When you fled, I flew off. Monstrous things, I did monstrous things, things I’ll have to pay for. Other people will have to pay for, too. I just keep teetering one way then the other, to the dark, to the light, up, down…

Could you please? Could you please… help me be… what I’m meant to be? Once you anchored me. But I must have seemed like a ball and chain to you. You saw your exit and took it.

And look, there you are. You have only to look in my eyes, Lauren. No funny stuff, I promise. You have only to look in my eyes to know together, together, you and I can make it better for fae and humans. For both of us. For us, together.

 


End file.
